Eternal Sunrise

Scan Updates, The Determination Challange & Life

liz — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 22:01:44 +0000

Dear Friends and Family,
It has been a while since I’ve updated, for so many amazing things have been going on in my life. The last several months since my return from San Diego have been a roller coaster ride of; deep processing, letting go, understanding the larger picture of life and myself and embracing all that comes while living life FULLY! Not a day goes by when I’m not inspired by those that are around me, and the world that we create, individually and thus together.
I started chemo on Tuesday, March 17th and have been going every 2 weeks for treatments. Each week several friends come with, to hang out and share the time with me. This past week was my 7th treatment out of 12 total. It has been a process for me to shed the developed expectations that I have had towards what chemotherapy would be like and thus in this shedding process, embrace what chemotherapy has really been like for me.

For many others, unfortunately, chemotherapy is a horrible process, with sickness, exhaustion, depression and changes in ones own body that stay for the rest of their lives. For I… It has been nothing of these things, and everything of the opposite. Chemotherapy has been in many ways a pleasant experience… for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is often considered to be a very aggressive chemo regiment, yet while my body is taking in these toxins, my body has also accepted them. I have never experienced nausea, depression, or extreme exhaustion. While I do cry a little bit more then normal and I’m more aware of my immune system, my body enjoys going to bed at 10pm or 11pm and waking up at 7am, my experience with chemo hasn’t been anything like I’ve read so much about.

I have come to realize that the work that I did in San Diego set my body up for being able to embrace chemo while staying healthy and strong, instead of fighting it. Thank you Ahlea, Adrian, Bob, Greg, Monster, and Yeshie! I can not imagine even what my experience with treatments would be like if I didn’t go to San Diego. All the raw food, sunshine, oxygen, acupuncture and Love have changed my life!

My doctors and the staff at the Block Center have been very happy and amazed at how well I’ve been experiencing chemo, so much so that my Oncologist ordered a PET scan (full body scan active cancer scan) 2 months early. Usually, PET scans are done after 4 months of chemo, but mine was done at 2 months to see what was going on. The results came back and drum roll please!

The CT scan showed that I still have tumors in my body
But!
The PET scan showed that these tumors are all cancer free! YIPPIE!

The PET scan also showed that the cancerous activity in my bone marrow has decreased significantly and is on its way out. Bone marrow is the hardest place to remove cancerous cells from, so it typically takes longer.

Over time, my tumors will shrink as my body re-absorbs them. My doctors feel that with several more chemo treatments my body will be cancer free!! YIPPIE!!!!

So what does this all mean? Well… studies have shown that patients who have similar results to mine from a PET scan done 2-3 months after starting chemo are 90-95% likely to not have a recurrence of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in their lifetime. Thus already I’m on the upside of being cancer free!

My spirits are high, my body feels great, and life is amazing on all levels. There is a small chance that I will have to do a total of 16 treatments, to make sure that all the cancerous cells that are attempting to hide in deep places in my body are cleaned out. This isn’t for certain yet. At the end of August, I’ll be fully retested and then a choice will be made regarding more treatment or not. Whatever the choice is, I’m open and ready for it.

In the last month of so, I’ve slipped on my dedication towards living an uber healthy lifestyle. What does this mean…? Well I’m not completely raw anymore, one of my favorite things in the world is chocolate chip cookies and they have found their way back into my tummy every once and a while, I eat bagels from tine to time and I even had some alcohol the other night. To some this might not seem like much, for me… it is. In recognition that I’ve been a bit of a slacker (in my own eyes) I’m giving myself a challenge. I’m calling it, The Determination Challenge.

This challenge is to test my own determination. I’ve learned what my weaknesses are, sugar, carbs and not exercising as much as I should. Thus for 30 days, I’m determined to eat 85% raw, no sugars, no carbs and to exercise every day (yoga, swimming, running or biking). I’m returning back to the life I led while in San Diego. I’m determined to clean my body out of this cancer. Adios cancer! If you are inspired and want to join me on any part of my challenge, a yoga class, a yummy meal, whatever it might be. AWESOME! Come and join! I’ve learned that doing anything is always more fun when you do it with someone else.

As I already mentioned, my journey with Hodgkin’s has been on the gentle and loving side of what many experience. Unfortunately, many out there are not as lucky as I am. Several months ago, a close friend EB in San Francisco, asked if she could run a triathlon in my name. What an honor! One of her passions is triathlons and she has combined this passion with an amazing cause, The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s (LLS) Team in Training. As she trains for her triathlons, she raises money for LLS for research to find a cure to Leukemia and Lymphoma.

I know times are tough for many now, so there is no obligation to donate, but if you are inspired please visit her webpage and donate whatever you can. Your donations help so many in need and help researches find a cure. Her webpage is located at:
http://pages.teamintraining.org/sf/honotri09/eforst

Her first triathlon of the season was this past Sunday, Escape from Alcatraz. She’s raised over $3,000 already this year and with everyone’s help she can reach her goal of $5,000.

I’ve been asked many times, how is it that I’m able to live my life almost as if I was never diagnosed with cancer. Well… one of the answers that comes to mind is because of the amazing people that I have in my life. The love, support and guidance that I have received is incredible! Even on days when I might want to stay in bed more then others, my face lights up with a huge smile because of all the wonderful people in my life.

Thank You to everyone for being who you are and all that you give to this world.

Thank You to everyone for continuing to a source of inspiration

And Thank You because…

My life is worth living….

Because of all of you!

With Eternal Gratitude and Smiles

Liz

ps. if you are in Chicago, have a Tuesday free and would like to spend that Tuesday with me at chemo… I’d LOVE the company. It’s nothing scary and can even be a lot of fun! Just email me back.

pps… I have a blog that I’ve been a slacker on updating. Another part of The Determination Challenge is write a lot more on my blog. so check it out. www.eternalsunrise.org

and finally… Devin is not only my life partner but one of the most amazing people I have ever met. Thank you to all who have reached out and given your love and support to him. It means the world to me

Port Instalation - Bionic Woman

liz — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 02:02:31 +0000

The sun was just rising when my fever broke, what a night to have a fever, the night before my port installation. Especially for me since I’m never sick, and fevers are exceptionally rare for me. Alas though, I tossed and turned all night in anticipation and hot and cold flashes.

Amy W came and picked me up, bright and early and we started our trek to St. Francis up in Evanston. I was so happy that she went with me, for many reasons! but at that moment, she had been to the hospital already so thus knew where she was going. Sometimes it’s the small things that are soo important.

So we arrived, the staff was super nice and supportive, much different then my experiences at Northwestern. I felt like I was a human being, someone that cared, had feelings and emotions, and was treated with wonderful kindness and consideration.

For those that don’t know what a port is, here is your chance to learn! There are 3 ways to recieve your chemotherapy. You can get pricked in the veins each time, which for many causes vein failure in the long run. A Pick line can be put in, which means a small tube is inserted usually into the arm, and small tubes are continually hanging out of it, for the nurses to access, OR a Port can be put in. A port is a small device (see picture)

The Port

that is inserted under the skin, above the muscle with a tube that is fed straight into your veins going to your heart. Some of the benefits of a port are: you can go swimming, do yoga, wear a tank top or dress and not have tubes coming out. it’s much more ninja incognito like. it also has a more direct path to your heart and thus blood pumping system. ie.. the chemo spends less time traveling in your smaller veins where it can do more damage and spends more time in your larger veins where it can travel more freely.

How the port technically works is. there are 2 rubbery plastic disks on the top of it (see picture) and these discs are where the needle is put. Under the discs is a resevoir where blood can be drawn from or the chemo drugs can be put into. this reservoir is directly linked to the veins and blood system.

so my port was install, i woke right up, had an apple and was on my merry way. as you can see by the pictures, the incisions are very small.

Port Incisions

the one that is larger and on the bottom is where my port was put in, you can see the bulge under my skin, which will remain “bulgy” for the duration of the time the port is in. the small incision on my neck is from where the tube was fed into my large vein. i feel great and really strong. minus the slight headache and runny nose. as jason put it.. i am now a bionic woman!

Bionic Woman

Part 3: The adventure continues, Chicago, Chemo and FUN!

liz — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 21:06:35 +0000

Hey Everyone
I know it’s been too long since I’ve updated everyone on what has been going on. Time moves so quickly and so many things have been happening. This is a long email so have fun reading.
I just recently have returned back home from a month in San Diego. As I mentioned in my last email, I was heading out to San Diego to participate in several non-traditional cancer treatments. For 30 days, I visited a Hyperbaric Oxygen chamber, for an hour and a half, along with acupuncture twice a week, lots of yoga, exercise and changing my diet. While I had intended on going to the Optimal Health Institute, I wasn’t able to go due to Hyperbarics and scheduling. BUT! My amazing and close friend Ahlea, who I stayed with in San Diego and who helped to change my life in so many ways, has gone to Optimum and knows the “lifestyle” very well. She taught me how to live a raw lifestyle, cutting out all dairy, meat, wheat and processed sugars. So for the month that I was there, I detoxed my body through eating all green veggies, seeds and nuts, no fruit, sugar, meat, dairy or wheat. I was flying high as a kite and feeling super healthy between eating all raw and the 100% oxygen I was getting every day.
At the end of the month, and after much searching, we finally found a doctor who was willing to meet with me and order more PET scans to be taken. Everyone was super interested to see how the tumors were doing. The scans showed some pretty cool things. Some of my tumors had grown just a very tiny bit, and some had shrunk. So overall, my tumors were stable… which is great! And showed that the treatments I was doing were actually working JJ In addition, it looks like from the PET scan that the cancer in my bone marrow had decreased, for my bones were not lighting up as much on the scans. Although we will not know for sure, since I did not go and have bone marrow samples taken again.
Now I had a choice to make, stay in San Diego, enjoying the sun, relaxation, and the love of Ahlea and her home or come back to Chicago. After much thought, I came to the big question. The treatments were working, but were they working fast enough? And did I want to spend the next several years potentially trying to rid my body of the lymphoma using these methods, or do I want to speed up the processes? In addition to these important questions, I missed Devin, I missed home, I missed Chicago (although not the weather) and wanted to be closer to my friends through whatever treatments I was to be undergoing.
I came to this realization that Chicago was where I wanted to be, right at the same time that a cancer treatment center, called The Block Center, www.blockmd.com came into my awareness. The Block Center is located in Evanston, IL and embodies so much of what my whole life is about. Nutrition, yoga, detoxification, acupuncture and chemotherapy. Check out their website… it’s a wonderful place.
So back to Chicago I came! And am SOOO happy to be home. My time in San Diego taught me so much about who I am, about the life I want to live, about being truly healthy, on all levels, about rest and relaxation and how important they are and very importantly, it gave me the time and space to really process what I am going through and what is in the near future for me. Thus I came home, ready and accepting of the next stages of this adventure.
And where is the adventure taking me now? I know you are wondering.
Before I get into where the adventure is going, a little note for everyone who is still reading this letter. For some people, finding out they have cancer is a blow to their world, it’s the feeling of life dealing them a death sentence, it’s dread, gloom and depression. For me… it’s none of this. It has been a blessing on so many levels. The people I have met, the love that has come my way, the knowledge and information that I have learned, the lifestyle changes, my awareness being heightened, and so much more, are things that I am extremely grateful for and would not have happened if I had not been diagnosed and made the choice to live and LIVE FULLY!
The adventure of living fully has brought me back to Chicago, enrolled in The Block Center and… drum roll please… starting chemotherapy on Tuesday March 17th, St. Patty’s day. I choose to start chemo, because it felt like the right thing to do now, to kick these tumors butts out of my body and far away from my system. My body is in a healthy space now to start chemo and my spirit is ready for it.
The nuts and bolts of my chemotherapy regiment goes like this. Every 2 weeks, most likely in Tuesdays, I’ll go to Block and spend the day there getting 4 different drugs, ABVD (Adrianmycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastine and Dacarbazine). If you want more info just Google, ABVD and you’ll find tons of info. The Block Center dispenses the drugs based on chronotherapy, which means that certain drugs are administered at different times of the day. Research shows that drugs such as Adrianmycin (A) is best received by the human body at 8am, whereas Vinblastine (V) is best received between 2-4pm. Unlike other hospitals, that sit you in a chair and administer all drugs in a 3 hour period, The Block Center does it over the course of a day. The outcome is less side effects and my body is more accepting of the drugs… thus! The chance of drugs working is higher.
This treatment regiment will go on for 4 months and then I’ll have more scans done, PET and bone marrow. When the results come in from this 4 month check up, the doctors and I will re-evaluate what my treatment plan will be. If the cancer is gone (which is what usually happens) I will most likely have 2 more months of treatment, to make sure it’s all gone. If it isn’t, then we will figure out something else. If you want to read more about ABVD and what it’s like first hand, I’ve found an awesome blog http://hodgkindisease.wordpress.com/ Just like this woman, I too will be having a port put in.
I have no idea how chemotherapy and my body will react with each other. For some, there is sickness, vomiting, tiredness, and hair loss, but not for everyone. I won’t know till next week after chemo how I feel. I plan though to continue with eating healthy, resting, meditation, yoga, exercise and being creative.
Many of you have asked what you can do to help. Thank you SOOOO much for all the willingness and offers. If you are free, and would like to come with me for a day, I would LOVE the company, its not a scary process or anything like what most of the movies have made it out to be. If you want to make food, that would be awesome (remember no dairy, no wheat, no meat, no processed sugar… challenge yourself). If you want to go for the big challenge, make it raw… I’m eating about 90% raw. Suggestions on creative things to do are always welcome. Sending Love makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.
Thus the adventure continues, with high spirits, excitement, wonderment, curiosity, a bit of bizarreness and 100% total living of life.

If we aren’t living now, what are we waiting for?

With Love,
Liz

Ps. visit www.eternalsunrise.org for my blog.

Inspirational Poem of the Day

liz — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 16:28:58 +0000

My dear cousin Leigh sent this to me this morning. beautiful

“It does not interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream your heart’s longing. “It does not interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. “It does not interest me what planet is squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear and further pain. “I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, fade it or fix it.
“I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with the wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

“It does not interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

“I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore be trustworthy.*

“I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from God’s presence.

“I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the moon, “Yes!”

“It does not interest me to know here you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

“It does not interest me who you are, how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

“It does not interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

“I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the quiet moments.

Yoga and a sense of normalcy

liz — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 03:32:39 +0000

I’ve come to some pretty profound realizations today, in the midst of my frustrations and wonderment. I’m realizing that part of my frustrations, which have led to a good cry session, have a deeper existence then just finding an oncologist and learning more about what is happening inside my body.. it has to do with the frustration of control and lack of control.
My life is filled with amazing and beautiful things, and I’m so happy and blessed for each and every part of it. Yet I’ve come to realize how there is a lot wearing me thin here in San Diego. My life here is very different, everything I do is done with much more thought as to how will it effects me. Every time I walk into a grocery store, sit down to eat, think about food, I have to think “can i eat this or can I not”, and it’s exhausting after a while. Every time I walk into the chamber office, I have to think, “am i wearing the right clothes or not”, “what is my weight, what is this, what is that”, whenever I am home, I am continually on my toes hoping not to do something wrong, and my whole day is plotted out with many restrictions. and while usually i like schedules and fitting everything in, i’m realizing that it’s a bit tough after a while of always no i can’t eat this, no i can’t wear that, no i can’t do this, no, no, no!
what pointed this out to me, was i’ve started doing yoga again, at a studio. and the joy and happiness it brings me. the freedom! it’s the one thing i do here that i feel totally free to be truly myself with no questions or wonderment of can i do it or can i not. it’s the one thing, thus far that brings me back to a sense of normalcy, of everything is ok, everything is all right and everything is just normal. there is nothing in the venue of yoga that i have to even wonder or question, is this good or not, am i doing something right or wrong, am i going to offend someone, or express myself too much, or make a mess. it’s a place void of everything, except for me and what i bring to it. for so much of the rest of my existence right now is not about being “normal” its about cancer. and while the cancer is there i’m realizing that after a while, it can be exhausting always having to think about it.

cravings…

liz — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 01:45:11 +0000

i think that my frustration is a bit stronger today because for some reason my sugar cravings are strong today, not for chocolate or things like that, more for a raw power bar or some berries. i don’t have cravings for processed sugar anymore, or bread even, but really the bad cravings from before are gone. which is awesome!
it’s just a frustrating moment

a bit of frustration on a beautiful day

liz — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 01:18:35 +0000

with the sun shining, yummy food in my belly and wonderful company, i recognize that i’m a bit frustrated today. things are going so well on so many levels here, yet at the same time there are certain things that are not flowing at all, such as finding an oncologist, which thus means getting scans done. and as my body is changing and things are moving around, i feel this need to be checking in on things and soon. the frustration is further irritated by my wanting to be in control, because i’m not the one calling the doctors and speaking to them. it’s in the hands of others, and i’m left just waiting and twirling my thumbs… waiting and wondering.

i recognize that this adventure is not a short one, that it could take a long time for my body to heal and erradicate the tumors, and i’m ready for the long haul, yet at the same point, i’m own that i am a very proactive and continually moving person. some yogis can meditate for hours and hours, for me, not to much. my max is about 2 hours in the chamber every day and then some in the morning and some in the evening. the rest of the time, i like being active, i like moving around, i like exploring, creating, learning and doing all that i can to have a healthy and strong body. so when i’m forced to just twirl my thumbs, i get a bit frustrated. i know the feeling will be removed soon, just living in the moment for the now.

hold on stop the presses, how do I have cancer yet I feel SOOO good?

liz — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 20:49:28 +0000

Yep, you got it. I’m continually perplexed by this feeling, I have cancer, I have stage 4 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, and! I feel healthier and more alive then I ever have in my life.

Bizarre it is to me. very bizarre!

I realize that a lot has to do with coming out to San Diego, slowing my life down, cleaning out my body and my habits of the things that haven’t been helping me be healthy, such as sugar, dairy, soy, wheat, fuel for fire spinning, city smog and stress. I recognize that I’m really lucky to be able to take this time in my life to clean up my shit and get healthy.. but geeze.. I look in the mirror and at times have to remind myself that there are some crazy mutating cells in my body that are trying to have a party and get my good cells to join their party. it’s a mutation party. lol
luckily I’m not so into parties at the moment, nor is my body! so thus my cells are on a boycott with this mutation, they say HELL NO we won’t mutate. giggle.
And I fully support them on their boycott, with yoga, green foods, oxygen, lots of rest, meditation, sunshine, and LIFE!
and off the crazy mutating cells go running, across the border to Tiuana Mexico, these mutating cells are not a big fan of healthy things. scares the crap out of them.

Inspirational Quote of the Day

liz — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 04:30:42 +0000

St. Theresa’s Prayer: ‘May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.’

Some thoughts about food

liz — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 02:08:06 +0000

A close friend just shared her reflections and history with eating and food. It was a powerful email to read and brought me to a space of reflection regarding my own relationship with food.

I’ve loved to eat ever since I was a child, unfortunately most of my eating habits when I was young were not very healthy eating habits. I love sour patch kids, fruit roll ups, fruit punch, candy bars, cheddar gold fish, peanut butter fingers, at one point I drank 36 cans of diet coke a week. I loved sugar and carbs and my body showed it. Despite being a swimmer and swimming sometimes 4-6 hours a day, I was still on the thick side. Whether I knew this or not, I can’t really remember. I do remember not every feeling very good about myself.

As college came around, I started to change my eating habits, no more meat, but still lots of bread, lots of pasta, some salads here and there. Breakfast I think was bowls of fruit with yogurt, bagels, in all lots of carbs and lots of fruit juice.

It wasn’t until I graduated and moved in with Bryan and then Kai and Elana that I changed my eating habits to a much healthier life style. Vegetarian, other then fish, no more milk, limited amount of eggs, but still lots of carbs and lots of sugars.. Not very good for me as I’m learning now. Then organics came and when Devin and I got together, it became and even stronger part of our lives. Organic, healthy, whole.. but still sugars.. like yummy chocolate chip cookies, and lots of fruit, ruled my world.

As I think back to my childhood as to why I ate the food that I ate, 1. in some ways, I didn’t know any better. but really, I realize now that I was attempting to fill a void with food. I would eat when I was emotionally upset, when I was bored, or when I didn’t feel good enough. Eating was my way of controlling a situation. and unfortunately I became addicted to sugars so thus eating usually meant eating some kind of sugar or carbs. Not very healthy.

The void that was trying to be filled was a void in my being that lacked love and acceptance. I wanted to be loved so badly, to be cherished, nurtured, to be supported and felt that I was doing something right. In grade school, I often was made fun of for liking horses and horseback riding. I remember the kids neighing at me, making fun of me, calling me a horse. Luckily there were several other girls, who liked horses and we banded together and became friends. In middle school I was never a very “pretty” girl as all the other girls were blossoming into their adolescent. I still hated wearing jeans and wanted to be a tom boy. High school, became a very traumatic point in my life, with my best friend dumping me like a hot pancake for a guy who lied to her and she blamed me. It was a nasty situation. And all the while, my parents were too busy with work and their failing marriage to ever really give me love in the way that I think I needed it at the time.

So I turned to food for a lot of it. Eat my way through high school and college. I’m so lucky that I was into sports as heavily as I was, otherwise I would have been extremely overweight, just like my Grandmother and Aunt on my dad’s side, who both lived a “large” lifestyle.

So today, I’m extremely conscious of the food that I eat, especially now as diet is one of the key things to kicking cancer in the butt goodbye. I see that when I’m in an emotional state, I want food, heavier, dense food, or sugar, like chocolate chip cookies MMMm or chocolate to make me feel better. Alas now, though, I can not have any sugar, not even fruit, so thus my body and mind are able to tell me even more how my behavioral patterns with food have existed for so long, through my cravings.

I find too, that when I get very busy, moving quickly with a lot on my plate. I eat to ground myself, even if I’m not hungry. I can see patterns over the last couple of years of when I’ve gained a lot of weight, because I’ve been super busy and stressed, and when I have lost weight because my whole being has slowed down, so I don’t’ eat as much.

It’s fascinating to me what is going on with my body and it’s processing. My relationship to food has changed completely. I now view it and eat it with a sense of reverence. The food I put in my system, the choices I make about what that food is, is helping me to be healthy, fully.. and I feel it. No longer do I have a stuffy nose, no longer do I get head aches, no longer is my body tired after eating a large meal. Raw has been a good choice for me.