Yoga and a sense of normalcy
I’ve come to some pretty profound realizations today, in the midst of my frustrations and wonderment. I’m realizing that part of my frustrations, which have led to a good cry session, have a deeper existence then just finding an oncologist and learning more about what is happening inside my body.. it has to do with the frustration of control and lack of control.
My life is filled with amazing and beautiful things, and I’m so happy and blessed for each and every part of it. Yet I’ve come to realize how there is a lot wearing me thin here in San Diego. My life here is very different, everything I do is done with much more thought as to how will it effects me. Every time I walk into a grocery store, sit down to eat, think about food, I have to think “can i eat this or can I not”, and it’s exhausting after a while. Every time I walk into the chamber office, I have to think, “am i wearing the right clothes or not”, “what is my weight, what is this, what is that”, whenever I am home, I am continually on my toes hoping not to do something wrong, and my whole day is plotted out with many restrictions. and while usually i like schedules and fitting everything in, i’m realizing that it’s a bit tough after a while of always no i can’t eat this, no i can’t wear that, no i can’t do this, no, no, no!
what pointed this out to me, was i’ve started doing yoga again, at a studio. and the joy and happiness it brings me. the freedom! it’s the one thing i do here that i feel totally free to be truly myself with no questions or wonderment of can i do it or can i not. it’s the one thing, thus far that brings me back to a sense of normalcy, of everything is ok, everything is all right and everything is just normal. there is nothing in the venue of yoga that i have to even wonder or question, is this good or not, am i doing something right or wrong, am i going to offend someone, or express myself too much, or make a mess. it’s a place void of everything, except for me and what i bring to it. for so much of the rest of my existence right now is not about being “normal” its about cancer. and while the cancer is there i’m realizing that after a while, it can be exhausting always having to think about it.
Hope you dont mind my commenting here - this was something I struggle with _all_ the _time_ with diabetes. It took so so long to ‘get’ into the groove with what I needed to do to take care of myself, it was (and 15 years later, still) still so overwhelming.
But I took a number of deep breaths, and tried to concentrate on one thing at a time, the one thing I could control, whether it was how often I checked my blood sugar, or what I ate for breakfast. I hope yo continue to find paths that work for you as well, but I am continued to be inspired by your journey.
no i don’t mind you commenting, i think it’s great! dedication, when it isn’t absolutely necessary to life, is a hard thing.. a struggle. checking blood sugar is absolutely necessary, yet stretching on the yoga mat.. not as much. but in so many ways, just as important. i find it all boils down to time in the day. i’m blessed that out here, in SD i have a lot of time on my hands to do things, so yoga has the space to be in my life every day. sometimes even twice. i know the key for me is how to integrate it, when my schedule becomes less open.. and i think that is where dedication becomes so important. even 10 minutes in the morning and in the evening, just spending that time stretching is sooo important and can have so much good.
imagine if a bell rang at Linden and for the next 10 minutes, everyone stopped what they were doing, turned off their monitors and either stretched, breathed or meditated. wow! maybe this would be a fun experiment to do for a week. :):)